MAURICE HAMILTON

Release from Penury


Following the example set by F1 teams with their gushing press releases announcing a subsidiary sponsor supplying vital services such as embossed toilet tissue, a small racing team based in Dublin has issued its first communique.

Team Sparemesomechange, the Irish subsidiary of Team Lendusaquid GB, is absolutely and totally utterly delighted to announce a new partnership with Service Commodities and Management (SCAM), an offshoot of the parent conglomerate, Global Synergies, Logistics, Facilities and Unisex Conveniences Ireland (Closed on Wednesdays) Ltd.

Speaking on behalf of his team, Seamus Claptrap said without fear of contradiction: "This is feckin' great news, so it is."

Claptrap went on to say he was absolutely and totally utterly delighted.

"This partnership is a natural fit, like a pheasant in a poacher's pocket," said Claptrap. "We are at the cutting edge of motor sport technology, what with our semi-automatic potato peeler built into a deep-fat fryer with a secret blown confuser thing. None of this requires a computer and we've patented this use of CFD (Chip Frying Device). Our car may not be quick but we've got the best chips this side of Mondello Park.

"Anyway, the multi-month deal with Service Commodities and Management will supply our team with a wide range of options which I don't yet fully understand but which sound good and impress the bank manager, particularly the large cheque we were able to give him. This is, in fact, a loan from the IMF as part of the Irish financial rescue package, our claim being that we know Eddie Jordan, who is such a valuable Irish export that we don't want him back."

Brian Blatherskite, the chief talker and runner at SCAM, expressed his delight, confirming without fear of contradiction that his delight was absolute. And totally utterly, as well.

"Feckin' brilliant," said Blatherskite, whose company was once headquartered in Monaco before being moved off the beach by the police. "Seamus's team has set new standards for a pursuit of excellence in spending someone else's money and achieving absolutely feck all. It is a philosophy that we at SCAM share and truly believe in, mainly because it costs us nothing and we've got bugger all else to do.

"Nonetheless, this requires total focus and unparallel teamwork, particularly when the going gets rough and members of our management are detained for a period by officials who have either made a mistake or never received their brown envelope. The partnership is natural because the innovation shown by Team Sparemesomechange has won recognition ranging from multiple bankruptcies to blagging young drivers with more money than sense.

"We fully applaud this and intend to use the motor racing scene as a showcase for our collective talents in making large sums of money disappear with no obvious result."

Commenting on the heritage of their respective companies, Claptrap said:

"Our shared characteristics of 'Irishness' make an ideal partnership in that it's nothing but a load of romantic bollix. What it really means is the alliance allows the two companies to pool together their experience, cunning and high standards of skulduggery. We will help SCAM open up new markets and move into new areas, particularly Silverstone at Grand Prix time when there's plenty of mugs about. We are proud that Brian is showing absolutely no trust in us whatsoever. That's a tribute to our record at Team Sparemesomechange."

TV personality and leading motor sport icon (Irish Con Operatives and Numbers) Eddie Jordan was unable to be present at the ceremony but sent a message, along with a small bill for a large fee.

"As a team owner, which I'm not, I would welcome this really excellent news which comes from Dublin, a city, I might add, I know and have known and always will know, because you never forget these things, even when you become rich and famous which, I might add, I'm not but, anyway, it's great to have this happening and good luck to them because you need a bit of luck when you're on the scam...scrambling to make things work because it's not easy, never has been and isn't now and definitely wasn't, anymore than it is and was when I was racing, which personally I'm not any longer but good luck to them...whoever they are," said Jordan.

(This release should have come with an attached rights-free image of Mr. Claptrap and Mr. Blatherskite shaking hands in Donohue's Bar but the photo was stolen. Mr. Blatherskite has denied all knowledge and wishes to point out that the need to keep his identity from the authorities is merely coincidental. Mr. Blatherskite says he is shy and retiring. Not to mention absolutely and totally, utterly feckin' delighted.)

Media enquiries should be directed to: The Jordan Memorial Home for the Permanently Misunderstood, Dublin, near Brussels.

Maurice Hamilton , a freelance motor sport writer and broadcaster since 1977, is the author of more than twenty books and contributes to websites and magazines worldwide.

His weekly column for Grandprix.com was Highly Commended in the 2011 Newspress New Media Awards.

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