MAURICE HAMILTON

Old Mo's Almanac


JANUARY

FIA say Bahrain GP is definitely on: 'Only a few hundred currently detained by authorities and not many dead.'

Downsizing F1 trend set by former Lotus team becoming Caterham. Ferrari immediately becomes 'Scuderia Panda 1.2 Dynamic'.

Ford Motor Company lodges complaint against Ferrari: Panda is a four-legged animal and could be confused with the Mustang.

Eddie Jordan says this is nonsense; everyone knows a Ford Mustang is fast car driven in a film by "that famous actor and great friend of mine, Sylvester McQueen."

Bernie Ecclestone buys Greece. Plans to install escalators on the Acropolis and convert the Parthenon into a luxury villa for Tamara Ecclestone. "It's got some nice views. We do what we can," says Mr. E.

 

FEBRUARY

Bahrain international airport closed for security reasons. FIA say it is no different to Paris Charles de Gaulle during any holiday period.

Following the deaths of Kim Jong-Il and Colonel Gaddafi in 2011, Bernie Ecclestone voted the world's favourite dictator. Eddie Jordan says Colonel Gaddafi's Kentucky Fried Chicken a big favourite of his.

Downsizing tend continues in line with the RRA (Resource Restriction Agreement): Vodafone McLaren becomes 'Have You Any Coins For Payphone? McLaren'.

BBC TV presenter Jake Humphrey (voted Best F1 Tweeter in Silverstone Media Awards) tweets: 'Wonderful news to see those lovely red telephone boxes making a comeback. Reminds me of smashed windows and the smell of urine. I'm so thrilled. Aren't you?'

Kimi Raikkonen comments on his F1 return: "It's good to be back. I feel......er, I dunno....motivated or something but let's wait and see."

 

MARCH

Tanks on the streets in Bahrain. FIA say no problem; tanks are best mode of transport in the desert and have excellent Euro NCAP rating.

CVC Capital Partners (F1 share holders and profit takers) nominate Kim Jong-Bernie as next dictator and Commercial Rights Holder for North Korea.

Brand X Entertainment, management for Lewis Hamilton, complain to Leveson Inquiry into media abuse that Lewis's phone wasn't hacked. "It's a disgrace. This is doing nothing for our client's brand awareness," says Smedley Smooth, Senior Executive, Celebrity Goldmine Accounts.

Downsizing trend continues as Red Bull becomes 'Sanatogen Tonic Wine Racing'.

2012 HRT unveiled. Ford complains this can be confused with their H-series Transit van.

Eddie Jordan says HRT should say nothing as Transit might be quicker.

Jake Humphrey tweets: 'HRT are wonderful and Spanish and you get lovely Tapas there which my darling Harriet adores. Woop!'

 

APRIL

Bahrain GP cancelled. BBC run Top Gear repeat of hilarious episode in desert showing a pastoral nomad tent blasted with Frank Coopers Vintage Coarse Cut Oxford Marmalade by Jeremy Clarkson wearing face mask and flippers while standing on back seat of a convertible 1967 Rolls Royce.

Jake Humphrey tweets: 'Here's a sneak piece of news. About to have a post-breakfast cup of tea - with no milk! Wish me luck.'

Felipe Massa complains to FIA about 31st birthday present from Nicole Scherzinger: a cover version of Leona Lewis's 'Collide'.

Downsizing: Mercedes GP becomes 'Smart Pulse Performance 2 Years Unlimited Miles Warranty GP Team'.

FOTA in disarray as two more teams break away to form FOTA 3.

Raikkonen, asked about finishing 10th in China: "Is okay was tough race and car was quite fast but I'm not used to no mud or gravel but maybe better tomorrow so let's wait and see."

 

MAY

FIA frees exhaust design and abandons top exit system because it has created absolutely no controversy.

Jake Humphrey tweets: 'Here's a sneak peek of the soles of my shoes. You won't be seeing these when we're actually LIVE on air in an hour! See you then!!! Please...'

Raikkonen, on finishing 10th in Spain: "Is a very nice team and nice people and nice King say hello on grid and I go quite fast and maybe win next time so let's wait and see."

FOTA 4 breaks away from FOTA 3.

Lewis Hamilton given 10-place grid penalty at Monaco for Massa birthday present. Lewis "I'm in an unhappy bubble" splits with Nicole Scherzinger.

Lotus exhaust routed through front of car to give F1's first Blown Nose. Lotus deny they are short of money and say a major sponsorship deal with Kleenex is a happy coincidence.

 

JUNE

Lewis, back in a happy bubble, makes up with Nicole and wears present of solid gold necklace.

Jake Humphrey tweets: 'Here's a sneak peek of my laundry just brought back by hotel housekeeping. It's in a plastic bag. Wow! Can't wait to tell Harriet.'

CVC Capital Partners launch Environmental Money Opportunity. Plan includes persuading British GP fans to send CVC a cheque for £300 and stay at home to watch the race on television.

HRT downsize and vanish from view.

Ferrari introduce the Vatican Exhaust, white smoke emerging to indicate election of new team member to replace the one demoted after failure to win last race.

Permission for commercial flights to cross North Pole starts bidding process for an Arctic Grand Prix.

Kimi Raikkonen, asked about finishing 10th in Valencia: "Is okay was tough race and car was maybe okay and better on Smirnoff when there is long way to go so let's wait and see."

 

JULY

Lewis and Nicole split and make up 24 hours later by wearing matching arm and ankle diamond studded bracelets.

Arctic GP deal done. Building of track begins.

Jake Humphrey tweets: 'Here's a sneak peek of the Avis paperwork for the hire car that will take us to the track to broadcast highlights after it gets dark. Amazing! Love you all. Night.'

Fans hold a forum for FOTA in Silverstone cafe. FOTA 10 and FOTA 11 representatives turn up and complain fans are ignoring them. Fans apologise and say they have been busy dealing with RRA (Really Rubbish Admission) issues.

It is admitted some F1 fans have been caught at the CVC concession stand overspending on pin-stripe suits, hand-made shoes and the DVD 'How to Fleece F1 at No Cost to You'.

Raikkonen, asked about finishing 10th at Silverstone: "Smirnoff is good on the rocks after race and car was maybe quite fast and better tomorrow I dunno there is long way to go let's wait and see."

 

AUGUST

Lewis Hamilton and Felipe Massa invited to become test drivers for the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in Geneva. Eddie Jordan says LHC is a great team; he raced against them in Euro F3.

Arctic thaw causes GP track to break away and float south. Reuters report Ecclestone hurriedly carried out bargain deal with Greenland for the world's first floating GP. It will also be the first race to have a Best Before date.

Sparco make overalls with double flameproof cuffs to accommodate gold and emerald cufflinks given to Lewis Hamilton when he and Nicole make up once more.

CVC declare Profits Warning: F1 teams will earn even less than they think.

Arctic GP sinks on lap 1. BBC show repeat of Jeremy Clarkson being helicoptered to hospital after unfortunate accident while playing conkers naked with James May in back of 1966 Minivan parked inside the Arctic Circle.

FIA thinking about holding a Grand Prix in Syria 'once a little local difficulty has been cleared up'.

 

SEPTEMBER

McLaren successfully persuade Lewis not to hang gold-encrusted St Christopher medallions and chains from his rear-view mirrors.

Quadruple DRS zones and KERS Extra introduced at Monza. Drivers complain of motion sickness and headaches trying to work out who has overtaken whom.

Jake Humphrey: 'Here's a sneak peek of the wonderful McLaren Sunday lunch to keep us going while waiting to do the highlights after everyone's gone home. I've skipped the green vegetables!!!!! Don't tell Harriet!'

Italian GP declared boring with only 1,743 overtaking moves. BBC does fashion show instead at 2am with Nancy Dell'Olio modelling Eddie Jordan's shirts.

Ford Motor Company complains one of the shirts looks like the upholstery in their Deluxe Super Duty Pickup.

Raikkonen, asked about finishing 10th at Monza: "Dunno can't remember maybe need Super-Smirnoff tyres but was okay and may be better tomorrow after long way to night club so let's wait and see."

 

OCTOBER

McLaren admit Hamilton suffered poor straight line speed at Monza because he forgot to remove his jewellery after excitement over being voted 'World No 1 Glittering Icon' by Bling.com

Korean GP cancelled. BBC run repeat of hilarious Top Gear episode in which Jeremy Clarkson, wearing a horse's nosebag, plays polo from the window of a pink Range Rover carrying straw bales and packs of British haemorrhoid cream made in Chipping Norton.

Bernie Ecclestone buys Yeongam circuit to store Tamara Ecclestone's shoes.

Quintuple DRS and KERS Super Extra at Suzuka causes drivers to have RSI in their thumbs. Eddie Jordan says: "I can tell you without fear of contraception that must be very painful because I've got an RSI holding up the roof in my house."

Kimi, before being asked a question : "Yeah, night club is good but not car after big party going fast sideways taking jet to New York to party with hookers should be okay long way to go to in small plane must get bigger one let's wait and see."

Pastor Maldonado becomes first driver to completely fill an FIA Loyalty Card with his 10th visit to race stewards. Receives 'Free Penalty' and uses his hire car to deliberately ram Lewis Hamilton's Mercedes in car park.

 

NOVEMBER

Pirelli introduce new 'SuperSoft' which degrades before end of Singapore pit lane. 'Soft' lasts for lap and a half. Race has to be run at an average of 47 mph and takes four hours. First six finishers excluded for loitering for more than 20 minutes near the finishing line.

Sky TV miss result change in Singapore due to running 43 minutes of Pedigree Chum adverts in commercial catch-up after interruption-free broadcast. BBC highlights get it right.

Jake Humphrey tweets: 'Isn't the BBC wonderful! And you fans are wonderful too. We're all wonderful. I love you all. Woop! Woop!'

US GP cancelled. Concerned about complaints over frivolous nature of Top Gear content, BBC show repeat of serious episode in the Taj Mahal car park when Jeremy Clarkson proves just how difficult it is to eat a Chicken Tikka Masala takeaway in a stationary McLaren MP4-12C.

Kimi Raikkonen in Brazil: "Missed start because I was having a shit but was good race passing lots of cars on I dunno grass and condoms and stuff but was long way to go for party but let's wait and see."

According to LHC officials in Geneva, Hamilton and Massa set new world record on lap 1 in Brazil for highest-energy man-made carbon fibre particle collision. FIA stewards blame Peter Sauber because he is Swiss.

 

DECEMBER

'Mail on Sunday' reveals F1 cockpit surrounds manufactured by FIA contain same silicone as defective breast implants discovered in France. Eddie Jordan says, without a hint of irony: "That must make the FIA feel like proper tits".

David Coulthard asked to wear tight white jeans and sing Christmas Carols with the BBC Boys' Choir. Eddie Jordan to play his wind instrument. Programme to be transmitted at 2am on January 25.

Police called in to deal with unemployed FOTA members living in a favela in Kensington rented to them by CVC Capital Partners and built from Petra Ecclestone's shoe boxes.

Kimi Raikkonen wins Sports Personality of the Year. BBC say the future of the show is now seriously under review.

Jake Humphrey tweets: 'Isn't Kimi wonderful. Love his humour. I'm so lucky to have this job and meet charismatic people like him. Here's a sneak pic of him pissing in DC's pocket.'

David Coulthard explains bolt upright stance in front of camera nothing to do with Kimi's behaviour but because FIA permanent pass attached to belt loop is actually lodged somewhere he can't mention beyond back pocket of tight white jeans.

Jake Humphrey tweets: 'Wow! Don't tell Harriet!'

 

Maurice Hamilton , a freelance motor sport writer and broadcaster since 1977, is the author of more than twenty books and contributes to websites and magazines worldwide.

His weekly column for Grandprix.com was Highly Commended in the 2011 Newspress New Media Awards.

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